which is difficult to get. i'll get it tomorrow when i talk about romney. to end on positive thing, my nationals, the national league nationals are now number one and have the beg record in baseball. >> hello. i am greg gutfeld. now to andyly. andy levy. fry france closes embassies in arab and muslim countries after a newspaper pushes cartoons of a naked mohamed. the shocking story that shockingly isn't that shocking anymore. and a navy submarine commander tries to get out of a relationship by faking his own death. i think we can assume from the fact we are reporting on this it didn't go all that well. and finally, lyndsay lohan arrested. not really sure this is news anymore. greg? >> thanks, andy. >> you becha. >> did you catch "the five"
earlier? >> i did not. still don't know what that is. >> it got crazy. it got a little heated. >> what is it? >> get out! let's welcome our guests. she is so sharp she is not allowed to ride hot air balloons. i am here with the awesome mtv vijah and now a correspondent. and a contributor to reason.com and reason .tv. and if musical genius was a bullfight spanish men would do him in front of a cheering crowd. musician and legendary record producer. and in baja he is considered a fish taco. it is bill schulz. and cologne wears him on a first day. sitting next to me, mike baker, former cia operator and now diligence maker. diligence hat pins and hot water bottles and girdles. for your hat pin, hot water bottles and girdles, think
diligence. diligence, the last thing you see before you die. >> d.a. block, the lede, that's the first story. >> thanks for the clarification, loud noises. are they reckless or righteous? on wednesday, an actual day of the week, a french magazine published cartoons mocking mohamed and prompting laughter among muslims. as a precaution, france planned to close its embassies in different countries on friday, the muslim day of prayer that is now a day of protest. the they say it shows the prophet without pants in defense of freedom of the press. but does the cheeky weekly pass the free speech test? hmm. an op-ad says it distinguishes between speech that is offensive and speech tailored to put lives and property at risk. they say the video falls to the second category as it was sent around and could be expected to spark violence on
that day. the delightful romantic comedy made me that angry. welcome to the program. >> greg gutfeld, thank you very much. >> should they publish these cartoons ? >> we should all be publishing these cartoons. >> really? >> the more we do it, the less impact it will have. >> it is an accelerated function. >> mohamed is a person. and mohamed is revered as a -- he is not a flower. i think he could stand a good ribbing and some of his more extremist followers have to follow that. >> that's a very, very, very good point. what do you think? first we have the video and then is this the cause of the rage? the french said there was a small bombing outside a deli and they still blamed it on the movie. which means it will never be
american. >> i appreciate the thought. i hadn't thought about continue be doing this until they get tired of beheading and random killings and bombings. there might be something to this. >> if a thousand people do it at once -- >> it is mind numbing. obviously they didn't need a cartoon. they didn't need a video to hate us. this muslim society, and we always want to pref physician that with -- preface that with a tiny majority. it is larger than we think. -- it is not the majority, but it is larger than we would like to think. whether it is a ship in port or whether it is marines stationed in a baric in beirut or a cartoon, it doesn't matter. we could spend the rest of our days for the rest of our lives kissing their ass and they would still hate us and want to kill us. nothing will change that. >> i think they will feel differently about you because you are gorgeous.
>> regardless, kissing the butt of a noninfidel is frowned upon in their society. >> they did say that is not something they should do. >> this l.a. times op-ed says this is not spree speech because it isment to cause violence. some could say the same about your classic album. >> i have heard it create a happy, cheerful violence, but violence nonthe less. it reminds me of my dad sort of taking me to task, and i would get offended by something he said. he said you have to be stronger than that. but people get excited by getting aping gree about and and why do you have to have such thin skin. >> there are too many things
to get mad at. >> we get mad at soda drinkers. >> little people are the last. >> and mormons. god forbid you say anything about a muslim. but you can still insult mormans according to this campaign. >> we can always make fun of bill. we worked in magazines. i worked and you slept. is this guy brave, crazy or both, brazy? >> i don't know if i understand france, and i will tell you why. the muslim brotherhood said that why is it illegal and one can be thrown in jail for denying the holocaust in france -- >> you can be thrown in jail for denying the armenian genocide. it is not just the holocaust. we know the turks are horrible people. i will go on record. >> she is talking about young turks.
a certain breed of new yorker that hobb knobs in society. he said why is this something that is a jailable offense and you can do this to the prophet mohamed. this is the first and only time i will agree with the muslim brotherhood. >> oh god. >> you can't cherry pick this stuff. you should be able to deny the holocaust. it is a terrible thing. don't deny the holocaust. but you should be able to do it. you can't cherry pick free speech. or as they say in france, no cherry pick, fricho-speecho. >> i didn't know you were fluent. >> when they try to do american accents, what are the things that they put -- >> seven. >> they do will farrell impersonating george bush. >> by the way, can we clarify causation versus correlation? there is a big gulf there.
because some idiot -- >> why are you pointing at me? >> makes a stupid movie. it doesn't cause violence. there could be some correlation. anything that happens anywhere -- >> she is right. >> we had this con veer satisfaction -- conversation on "the five." and they were talking about how there was a conversation about our government releasing the blind sheik. do you think president obama would do that? i don't. >> and by the way, thank you for the inview station to join "the five" on occasion. i appreciate that. i can't imagine that obama or the advisors would actually okay that. there has been talk about it. >> i can't imagine in this environment they would do something so stupid. that man should not see the light of day. >> baker, were you even paying attention to the question?
>> i tried to make a point. >> he may see the warmth of the sun. but that's as far as it goes. >> could i get off that last comment? the idea that somehow the video caused this or the cartoons are causing it. i am just not buying that crap. that attack in benghazi was very well planned. they did surveillance and had sources inside. >> not according to ambassador. people don't carry around rpg's. >> i kind of think they do. that would not surprise me. the kids have ak-47's instead of baby rattlers. >> there are enough weapons floating around benghazi in that area to support that theory. in all honesty, the fact the administration tried that line, and now it is starting to break apart. a couple of their senior officials say it might have been a terrorist attack. >> no, no. that cannot be. gm is alive and osama is dead.
there is no way al-qaeda is still functioning. it can't be al-qaeda. >> i want to move on. i think we nailed this down. from cartoons to campaign. what a transition. they are taking their pick to show they are part of the click. it is zombie time, and this time by writing on their hands. it started with obama and a deputy campaign manager tweet thrg is a new way to say you are voting for barack obama. post a photo to commit to vote. and the responses started coming in. from celebrities like natalie portman, she is delightful to celebrities like jarod leto who supports in the spirit of awful beard. >> seriously i have a beard now. >> and then this is my favorite. he apparently supports obama because he allows him to post totally creepy pictures of himself. >> is that steven hawking?
>> he actually looks like my third grade teacher. >> that is not a good idea. before we talk about this, let's go live to "red eye" chief correspondent. it is brad, and he has something to say. >> why substitute? it is probably the healthiest. isn't it great how i had to go back to that video anyway? mikey, campaign or cult? >> cult. absolutely. i think the gullability of the youth or a segment of the youth knows no bounds. the sad part about this is i think there will be young voters who are still not sure where they are going to go with this. they will be impressed enough to say, well, yes, if they are
going to do that, i will vote for them. >> here is the thing, andrew, so this is a trend, by the way, that tran sends politics. when you see poll i can its, the bands do things where they are holding up signs, and it is a way to fake death. >> it is like the bob dylan and inxs video. >> yes. it is like the go to for lack of imagination. >> i think there is almost -- it is like reverse psychology. they realize how absurd the idea was of writing on your hand to begin with. they knew it would become internet mean. they would start mocking it. it was a way to get more attention good or bad. >> and it worked because we were discussing it here, and we need to fill the news bucket. >> i have a horrible visual of octomom and something written on her hand and an appendage in that happened. and it is -- >> awful you say or inspirational? >> she is a woman making it on her own.
>> that's right because she is doing mastubatory porn. >> there are hands all over her. >> but aren't you discriminating against people with hooks? >> can i say one thing? you know i have been doing this show for a longtime. never, ever have i heard the term mastabatory porn before, and i congratulate you for working that in. >> i congratulate you for simperingly -- >> thank you very much. >> i speak for the rest of the table when i say what is this five. >> do you reference "red eye" as much on" the five." >> i do, actually. i try to direct that traffic to this show so they the are disgusted with me. >> the one thing we are not
doing here and i expect you to do is to defend your idol jarod leto. >> he is not just my idol, but every citizen of the world. i would be into this campaign and tweet a pic of myself doing the same thing maybe after 47% or something like that. the problem is i will not, and i will tell you why. i noticed since i have been dhog show longer than you, that i have an unusually large head, and unusually large hands for my body. to show that in one photo it brings the point home that cannot be erased from the internet. i have my hand here and head here and they say why is this beam-like thing attached to these gigantic catcher mitts and bowling ball. i don't want that. sorry, obama. >> that's selfish. what you are doing is preventing, i guess, making the world a better place because of your own vanity. >> it is like asking the elephant man to promote obama. it is better to stay home. >> of course because he is dead.
>> all of you elephant men out there don't write in. >> great movie. >> he has not aged well, but we will do that tomorrow. from hands to hams. is this parity not fairity? randy newman has written a song while praising mitt romney's views on praising the -- on praising the economy. it is about republicans being racist. the title is i am dreaming of a white president and features lyrics like, quote, he won't be the brightest perhaps, but he will be the whitest, and i will vote for that. listen sout prejudice, fellow -- listen without prejudice without without. >> ♪ i am dreaming of a white president ♪ ♪ just like the ones we always hate ♪ ♪ realize a white man ♪ knows the score smote. ♪ -- ♪ how to have no money ♪ or start a war
♪ won't even have to tell me what we are fighting for ♪ >> it is like the huffington post with the piano. he said, quote, it is delicate enough i won't defend people, but wanted to get it right. >> do we have a video? blah, blah, blah. look at the video. >> a bad dream. kennedy, do you think people who plan on voting for romney are doing so because they are secret klansmen? or overt klansmen. >> i think randy newman is
insane. i think there is real racism, or he needs a therapeutic setting to work out his white guilt. and this guy has so much money. he needs to fix mr. business. and he should be talking about unfunded entitlement. he is closer to medicare age than anyone else in this debate. it is not about race, and the fact that he is trying to move it in that direction, it is distracting and a little embarrassing. >> qh men are over 60 --hen men are over 60 they wear hawaii an shirts. >> bowling shirts, hawaii san shirts. >> and perhaps a wallet chain connected to a board short. >> over the knee shorts. >> i love randy newman. he has a great career. he doesn't need to make money so he is clearly doing this from the heart. anything he says will sound like a disney theme.
>> spinning in his grave like a bat. >> speaking of the velvet fog. you are more like the velvet -- i don't know, laxative. it is not that clever or catchy, is it? >> no. from what we just heard, i can pipe that into an an teargas center and get the detainees talking in an hour and a half without temperature control or sleep deprivation. >> here i go again talking about my adorable kids. have i three children under the age of five. i know disney movies. i love randy newman songs. >> "behind the green door." >> that was not a disney film. >> it was not? >> no, it wasn't. >> what i am trying to say, there is no [bleep]
resemblance to the disney songs i love so much. >> randy newman does not use the f-bomb when talking about disney. >> last word, bill, you are racist. does this song speak to you? >> it is interesting you mention that. considering that randy newman is an active commentator on my blog, put the white back in the white house, that song was probably not a joke. >> all right then. we go to take a break. coming up, why don't sheep shrink when it rains? not a story, just something clive owens asked me this morning. what are the do's and don'ts of faking your own death? mike baker formerly known as mary jenkins gives us his firsthand account.
denies. according to the ap, who ever that was, michael ward was moving from virginia to connecticut to take command of a submarine. and he wanted a clean break from his 23-year-old gal pap. the married man said an e-mail he asked me to contact you if this ever happened. i'm sorry to tell you he is gone. we tried everything we could to save hip. i cannot say anymore. i'm sorry. it has to be that way. the grieving gal went to pay respects and found out he was lying. the navy relieved him of his post and charged him unbecoming action. speaking of playing dead. >> bang. >> come back to life.
>> he has an alternate perch by the way. >> i don't even want to know what happens when the cameras go off. >> what is the best way to fake your own death and how many times have you done it? >> you have to create a new perstona. you have to go somewhere. choose a name that is nonde script. >> mike baker? >> well, create some occupation that nobody understands. >> diligence. >> maybe a family that -- >> three piece suit perhaps? >> a surgery that makes you look like an appealing character actor from the james garner days. >> other than that i have no idea. >> when you were getting surgery, did you ask for the george papard. shouldn't he have just been a man and broke up with her? >> yes, or not gotten involved with her anyway.
i never thought of that to get out of anything. you can only do it once, and then all of the work to maintain that would be so much harder than just breaking up. >> i don't know. kind of awesome. >> when your best conceivable exit strategy was from an e-mail saying sorry he died. what the hell happened? this has to be a lifetime movie. i can't wait to hear her side because it is going to be rich. >> she will be on dr. phil talking about e-mail and how crushed she was. and then they will hillary unite. bill, you make your death constantly at bars to get out of bills. what's your secret? >> i just sort of -- and lay down like that. you wait for the bar to close and you are good as gold. you look at this fake execution and something is apparent. what is this guy doing commandeering a nuclear sub?
can we please stop talking about this story before the terrorists get uh hold of it. >> he didn't commandeer. >> command. this is why when i fake my own death i don't join the navy. >> here is what you do. if i was going to fake my own death, over the course of a year i would siphon money out of various accounts and put them somewhere else, maybe not in a bank. and then develop a mob be i don't really -- hobby i don't really have. oh i am bungee jumping and bungee jumping. and then i don't come back for two months and you go to the spot and find a broken bungee jump over the river. body is never found. by that time you are in a rental car that splb -- that somebody rented for you. you are somewhere else and they assume they can't find your body. >> by the way, if you are going to fake your own death, don't take your own death to one person. >> that's true.
>> you have to tell the new owners of your home. >> good point. >> i would do it to everybody, but somehow make it so i can live comfortably. >> you do it to anybody but the 23-year-old. >> create a hobby. go skydiving or whatever. that's good thinking. >> smart. >> i was thinking about magic. >> you made yourself disappear. >> like one of the kris angel stunts where you are going up the side of the mgm. >> and i will bury myself. why am i telling you this? do you have a comment on the show el male us. if you have video of your animal doing something stupid or boring go to our website and click on submit a video. still to come, the half time report from andy levy. he faked his death a longtime ago. >> that explains a lot. >> tonight's half time report
prophets without pants. >> no, it is the name of my electronica band. you should come by and see us play. >> it is a larger minority than we think. care to put a number on it? >> put a number on it? >> there was a survey. can't remember. we did it on this show. 25% felt suicide bombing was somewhat jews fight or -- somewhat justified or justified. we talked about this yesterday. >> so you didn't make it up some. >> no, i didn't make it up. we can find it. get your only buds man. >> can we go to him now? >> yes, we can go to him now. go to bill right now. never mind. too late. >> andrea, you said your music
columns were happy, cheerful violence. have you thought about going and lecturing about this? >> no, that's a good idea and i appreciate the suggestion. it is a kill them with kindness strategy. >> oh they will kill you. andy, note the beard he is wearing and perhaps he already has. >> i think he would make an excellent am bees deer for the west. >> i appreciate that. >> my mom belt is filled with kindness. >> and i will miss you greatly. mike you said we can make fun of mormons, but god forbid we make fun of muslims. we don't negotiate with terrorists, but watch what we say so we don't scare people who commit acts of violence. >> i like where you are going. i am tired of the apologies and tired of the pan doring. pandering. i am just tired. >> a lot is the martini you had before the show. >> you have thrie kids and you are -- you have three kids and
you are really working hard. and being on the run. >> think of how tired i would be on "the five." >> think of how tired the show would be. >> kennedy, you said the turks are horrible people. i am a quarter turkish. >> it is wednesday, but that's okay. >> are you really? >> yes, my great -- my grandfather on my dad's side came here from turkey when he was a kid. >> that's wonderful. >> that's what they tell me. i have no verification. >> you can run against scott brown. >> it is a beautiful country. >> i am half romanian. what do you think about that? >> as they say on "project runway" make a turk. >> i think i am white, mostly white and a little bit of -- >> okay randy newman. >> mostly white. i am half romanian. i am mostly white.
>> can you check a box for that? >> can you check a box that says mostly white on forms. >> that's the other. it is other and you put mostly white. >> bill, i completely agree with you with the holocaust denial. it makes the countries where it is illegal to do that somewhat hipocritical. >> i believe so. >> jailed too. it is not a slap on the wrist. >> you said a stupid movie -- did you want to say something? you said a stupid movie does not cause violence. i am alone in this. i maintain the movie had supernatural powers. when people watch it, they can't help themselves. they have to keep action -- >> you have proven it. >> apparently i remain alone in this still. this is good. starting next week ads will appear in new york in 10 subway stations that read, quote, in any war between the
civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man. support israel and defeat jihad. it should be fun around here. >> how did you gobble up the money for these ads? >> you know who did gobble up the money for the ads ? pamela geller. >> at least it is not someplace like a popular target like a subway. i hate who ever did that. i will be cabbing to work. >> i will be eating somewhere else. >> mike, you said the attack in benghazi was well planned. are you calling the obama administration liars 1234* i'm pretty sure they were adamant that this was all because of the video. >> they are starting to change their tune. from the get go they created a narrative that said this thing was spontaneous. we cooperate have avoided it. it was not our fault. they were desperate to walk that dog back.
>> changing the tune, is that code for lying? >> yes. there was willful ignorance. i don't know if that equates to lying or not. you go so far into the political spin it morphs into lying. >> taking picture of words on your hand for obama. greg, surprisingly simperingly is a word. >> i had no idea. >> i am not arguing it wasn't a word. i was arguing it was used incorrectly. >> completely different story. >> you said there will be young voters who will decide to vote for obama because of the campaign. another reason young people shouldn't be allowed to vote? >> raise the voting age to 21. lower the age to where you can sign up for the army at 16.
>> more drink and less voting. >> swap the ages. >> you keep saying that about age and consent and i disagree. >> i have no problem with the age of concept. >> there is a great cover story about not voting. how they make a case for not voting, and how your vote doesn't count. with the rock the vote campaign, they are just stupid. >> what about "american idol." >> about american exceptionalism? >> she learns fast. >> what channel was that on, kennedy? >> rock the -- that was on canadian exceptionalism tv. >> randy newman says if you don't vote for obama -- he needs to work out his guilt. so sitting at a piano and writing his own song. >> it has not cleared the mental fortitude. >> i have nothing else to say about this stupid song.
>> you must find his voice precious. >> his voice can be good so some songs. >> he is like when he sings he is like a temporary dr. john when he sings. >> like you are rich,. fix the speech i'm impediment. >> it is not a speech impediment. >> it is a smile. it is a style. >> you are a style. you are my kind of style. >> submarine commander fakes his own death to get out of a relationship. i am not saying he should have faked his own death, but i understand. and isn't this the plot to the abc show "last resort." >> oh, that -- i keep seeing the commercial for that. >> he fake head his death to get out of a relationship. >> i don't think that's what it is about. >> you referred to pittsburgh
as a fast attack sub. i don't think it carries nuclear weapons. >> well, he should still keep his be jo. >> glad i can get you to change your mind. i am done. >> that you are. coming up, should you party? andrew wk discusses his new book. first, is this the highest paid monkey in hollywood? who cares? we will all die some day.
pedestrian. they exchanged words before lyndsay left and the guy called the cops. he was later taken to the hospital for a minor knee injury. the arrest came a few days after lohan called out amanda bines about her latest brush with the law, lyndsay "why did i get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had no punishment so far." something we should discuss in the lightning roooouuuuunnnnmdd. >> you have been following the lohan saga since the 60s. she may in fact be the victim here. >> well, yes nthis case. she found someone who was willing to exploit her horrible driving record. i mean, lyndsay lohan is always doing the swicheroo, and she can't keep the same assistant. she only has the body person there to switch places. when she hits somebody texting and driving or making a duck face and driving and maybe she grazed the guy.
he was probably fine and he pulled the old go to the hospital in the ambulance trick. i love how she called on amanda bines as a nickelodeon star that somehow being a disney star is much more priss tee jus. prestigious. and amanda bines hasn't gone to jail because there hasn't been a trial, and she didn't steel necklaces while on probation. >> she has been following this. i don't know if you can top that, andrew. is this the problem with celebrities? somebody trying to shake you down and it is better to stay inside under the bed. >>y why, hide under the bed. even put a dust ruffle so nobody can see you are under there. at this point she is attracting unfortunate trouble. that's because she has a notorious attitude and people will take advantage. especially in that part of town. it is tricky driving and there are weird streets you can't go down and one ways. i feel for her in this situation. i agree no more duck face. >> why is she doing this? she will be in court being
lectured by a judge and she is going -- >> this brings up a good point. i don't think that guy is exploiting here. i don't think that guy recognizes her. i don't recognize her because of the duck face. every time i see her her eyes escape in her head and something is puffed up on her face. >> like madonna and she is like 24. >> lyndsay lohan can no longer go to parks because little schools of ducks follow her. >> mommy, quack. >> they mistake her for their mother, and then she takes them and they die in the closet. >> why is she driving? she is the world's worst driver. >> have i two cars and i have not driven in three years. you are not supposed to be driving. that's why you have people imported from other countries to drive us around in yellow vehicles. >> new york and vegas you have license to drink and walk. the two places you don't have
to drive. the last person on earth who should be driving especially in manhattan. >> your cars are resepta cals for bodies, right? >> you dated lyndsay lohan briefly. have you talked to her since the incident? >> no, we saw each other for about two months when i was single. let me just point this out because i don't know anything about lyndsay lohan. let me point out my daughter in college is a huge andrew wk fan. probably up until this night that s realizes the edgy andrew wk knows the term dust ruffle. >> dust ruffle is what you do to get the angels out. >> it is a dust ruffle. >> it is a euphemism. >> speaking of. bill, you get hit by cars once
a day. what is the key to not sustaining a crippling injury? >> you have to stay loose. >> other times it will involve snorting dust ruffles. you can't expect the car to hit you. it just has to hit you. >> we have learned a lot at the experience of lyndsay lohan. i support her in her nonrecovery. time for a break. more stuff is on the way. stick around.
this week the show practices animal cruelty. it features animals like crystal who owns 12 grand per episode. that was a third of what it makes. it was after owners were unable to meet the specialized needs. how do we know this monkey is at the end of the animal kingdom? he makes more than the average
monkey makes. >> who is the peta spokesperson? we can't have any monkeys here because then others get monkeys and they won't use them. by the way, they are not practicing animal cruelty. >> i can't wait to watch. >> andrew, if animals could talk, wouldn't they tell peta to eleven me alone? >> one of my guitar players, and we do have four -- >> in cages -- >> he loves all animals and he will go -- he rescued a boa constrictor. he nursed it back to health. >> you know what it is? i have a problem with tiny monkeys too. i feel like they could grab my nipples. >> you have a problem? >> that's something bill pays for every friday night.
>> do not go to the monkey nipple bar on 13th. >> 13th and what? just so i don't go there. just so i don't accidentally walk in. >> do you think peta gets board? >> what do you think an organ grinder is? >> do you think they are board and looking for something new and this helps their profile? >> i mean, they have to fill up like you said the bucket. they have to keep themselves busy. we all have buckets. and by the way, the reason i wanted to join the cia and pursue that as a career is because of lance -- lancelot link. >> i had a lancelot poster above my bed. he was dressed as a detective and held a pitcher of beer. >> i know what you are talking about. i loved that show. >> it was a show of detective monkeys on saturday morning. >> secret agent monkeys.
if you haven't done this, go out and get yourself the entire series of lancelot link. >> live monkeys on that show. >> oh my god. >> good point. i don't want to know how they train the poor animals. are you attending the protest tomorrow? >> i am. but i don't know what they are protesting. i don't know if it is crappy acting or his elitist writer. i will put on a stupid monkey mask and dance your dance for no less than $5,000. call me. >> you put on the monkey mask. >> to grab the nipples, i will do that for free. >> we have solved a couple of problems. i get my nipples grabbed. that's how my show works. >> i will close things out with a post game from andy levy. go to fox news.com/red eye.
back to andy levy for the post game wrap up. >> how is the 10th anniversary of "i get wet" going? >> very nice. it is amazing that i get to do this at all, let alone 10 years. >> that's fantastic. >> there it is. look at that. and that is a realistic painting. that is not a photo. >> you just bit the head off a monkey. >> by the way, i loik on your twitter i con how the blood actually flows. >> thank you. thank you for noticing. >> kennedy, you say meat is your new wheat. what does that mean? >> well, i have celiac disease and i can't eat glue 10. my friends #r* vegan try to talk me out of eating meat, but i can't. i love it.